It's been the last three days of training week.
From the second of January onwards, our platoon began the day and night conversion season. This would maintain myself to be upright in times of emergency where we will have to work only at night. To prepare for such situation, we change our life cycle to night where we change our cycle by 12hours. Waking up at 18:30 and heading back to sleep at 10:00.
That explains why I was out of Internet for the past three days... and also explains my missing three days of diary in here. Monday was the first day so we weren't able to get great sleep during our proper sleep time. It was more like nap time where we just couldn't sleep for very long. Was watching tv with my bunk mates had great time enjoying ourselves although I was still caring about his presence. I do not know when it began and when it would end eventually. It was one point when I began to think he was performing my role or when I began to think he wanted to be outstanding that I began to get jealous of him. Was trying the past three months trying to control myself but like you see, it didn't really work out. A lot of things were done to stop myself, such as writing out diary and saying 'I would love all creatures from now' and making promises to myself to love him and love myself... Tried to but you know.. like always, I couldn't stop smiling in my inner heart when he was not around. I was much more comfortable when he wasn't around. I was able to be myself, enjoy and get comfortable with the others. No longer did I have to say so much words in order to get more attention than he did. I neither had to be uncomfortable lying back on my bed just listening to the jokes he was trying to make to my other bunk mates. It was pretty uncomfortable when everyone was laughing and I wasn't.
I guess Monday was somewhat like that. He was out of the bunk for most of the time and I got myself a good enjoyable time with my bunk mates relaxing and watching movies and shows. How'd I wish I could stop the thinking about so many things... How'd I wish I could stop this but also be comfortable and enjoy myself. The good news is that I was able to start talking to corporal Yoon again after those seemingly endless quarrels. Although it still feels awkward talking to my direct senior and him, things got much better and thus my only duty is to do what I got to do. And keep my pledges to heart and behavior.
It was Tuesday morning when I felt really guilty and sad about myself. We were having a breakfast at canteen all together and like any other days 'he' was making comments trying to make himself who he wanted to look like. I was quite uncomfortable with that. Also, there was one thing he said that I couldn't agree. It was just differences in opinion but when I actually said it out, hmm it seemed to me that I was going against due to jealousy. It pretty much made me guilty although I was just raising a personal point. When we were back to our bunk and gathering people to play futsal, I was likewise asking all the others but him. I did not like getting link to him. He would make any things that come up in order to make himself look like how he wished to look like. And so he came out to play futsal too. As we were playing, I thought of our times when we were just privates. When we just got here, I thought we were going to be the best buddies in this camp. Although we were not cliquing so great but we seemed to go well along and looked cool on view. We played futsal so often and used to drop by at the P.X taking ice creams and drinks together. That was when I realized, he could have his personal target image that he would want to be and look like. Just like how I so wanted to be Yoo Jae-suk when I was seventeen. That was just when I realized I should not interrupt or care about what he wanted to be like.
We went back to our bunk, bathed and Tuesday morning past just like that. As we woke up, we went through our first winter training on field. And even at this point, I was relieved that I belonged to different group from him. That's all I cared about even in times of training. I did not like myself caring about such. I did not like myself caring so much about his presence. We got to the training field, built a tent and did other trainings.
Here in Korean army, I go through a lot of situation where others treat me coldly or with hatred. They have words that come with poison. It is indeed pretty difficult to accept all those rants all the time. However, maybe I should accept that they are my seniors. It's not like they could do that just because they are seniors but if that is the culture here I got to accept them and change it when I become the senior person. That's just how I got to live this army life. With myself behaving properly at the same time.
After training was a super good nap time where I did not go to my office to work but sleep at my bunk. It was so super tiring after the training that I had such good deep sleep right after I got back to the bunk after lunch at 01:00. And through all these moments I was still caring about his presence.
It is Wednesday morning 11:05 and I am here at the cyber lounge typing out my memories and diary of my past three days. Being here for 637 days and having myself to be with others for so long is not easy. It was expected even before I enlisted. Myself liking only the people I felt easy to hang out with was my habit even when I was out there. Always knew I wouldn't be given such time when I am out of college. Thus, it is great that I am now given the opportunity to be able to get along with people of different characteristics, especially the Koreans who I eventually belong to and also people who I find having same things in common.
Like I told myself on the new year's day, my goal for this year and for my army journey is to love all, see with clear eye and live up to my pledges. My habit would not fade away in just few months' trials. It will take lots of time. But what I got to remember is to keep this heart all along. I don't see how long it would take, but I know that this is something I need to achieve... Something that I would want to achieve for bonus in my life.
It feels pretty down whenever I tend to think such ways. Although I try to come with open heart and love him but it just makes me to forge out a false smile in doing so. Maybe in prayers and trials, I would be comfortable in here myself.
Be strong and be upright. Thanks and loving myself for the distance I covered this far.
With love..
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