Dawns in Daegu - D-469

It marks the 69th line of the days I am left with this army life.

You know, like I say most of the time in here, the time that's left do not matter so much. It is the quality of life I am getting here and the kinds of things I learn from in here that matters. And today was just one another day that I was given the opportunity to learn from the shortcomings I have.

You see just to list down the good things that happened to me today. Let us see.

I had great time clearing the garbage with Corporal Han. it was great. We talked and laughed and you know, it could have been the most worrying season of period but I managed it. Manged to get it away in style. Secondly, I had great time at the office with my senior Oh. I could have sme minor problems with him here and there but my positive attitude towards life made things much better. My attitude towards him made things clearly better. I am positive and I forgive people. I embrace people. That was the great things. Well, I played basketball with my senior Lim for the first time. It was great that he asked me out, it was great that we teamed up and played one happy game.

Alright, just about the negative or sort of things that I may not have been satisfied for today. Well, not that things were super bad in a way that I know my faults and I know my shortcomings. That is one really great thing. You know, I may not be the best suitable person for someone else. However, it doesn't mean that they are the worst or even bad quality of person. They aren't. Thus, I shouldn't deal with hatred or even jealousy. I see good in a person, don't take it such a way that oh no I am not the best person in here but see it in a way that how I could learn from that wonderful person. I guess that's how I should see my life as. Take easy and all are friends. We all are. There is no reason or need to see things in a harsh or competitive way. All are our friends.

It was my mistake that happened in a while but you know, it may not even be like mistakes but my heart knows it that I was being jealous or even hateful. Life is about forgiving embracing and learning. I guess today I learned. He is a great person. There is no need to think that things are happening right now and today is the very very most important day of my life where it will be the full highlights of my life, it is totally not. It is the overall big picture of my life that matters. Today we learn and tomorrow we learn too. We learn till die. I will do.

I am thankful for myself for rehabilitating again and learning from things. Hope I can see a more bright and positive and loving me.

Thank Lord for this lessonful day and I love you Lord.

Amen.

Dawns in Daegu - D-470

Here, it marks the last day of the 470th border.

Yes, it is clearly far off. But we are reaching for that end although it is very blurry right now.

Today was an extension of holidays. Thus, this week will be soon off. Only four days left for this week. There will be garbage cleaning this week, which had made my platoon life a little bit intriguing but I am not afraid. I do my work when I have to do. I stay positive and forgiving to my friends. That's how I learned from the previous days.

Well, I guess today I've got not much to jot about. Today was old normal days. Maybe, I've got to see things more positive and in a clearer way. Seeing the real not the stereotype or with jealousy. That is just one thing that I've been working on since I got here. That maybe you know, what if I am not afraid of getting closer to him. What if I do believe that I am not afraid for challenges. What if  I start thinking that things are for better when I'm closer to him. That could be one thing that I could be thinking.

Well, that's all for today and let's stay bright and positive and be forgiving. Embrace all.

Love myself for living today and Love God.

Amen.

Dawns in Daegu - D-471

It is the night of Daegu.

Today was Sunday, and today marks the second last day before the 4days of holidays end.

Well, I could say I had lots of football and maybe joy.

There should be reasons why I say 'maybe joy'. Well, I guess I didn't have fully enjoyed the process.

During these times of holidays there were less works but more interaction with the bunkmates. Of course there were some quarrels and my inner hmm not sure how I could phrase it but well yeah, I did have osme hard time.

But to think about myself to think in a way that could lead me to survival and good life, I could think all the positive things that happens to me. Firstly, I got lots of them caring and coming for me. Second, I'm in good relation with all. Thirdly, I have lots of football mates and seniors who do like me. Well there are so many reasons to be happy yet when I'm on the ground or off the ground, some weird thoughts do arise on my mind that make me to be confused, chaotic and worried. Well, it is simple fact that I've got to stop thinking. I've got to cut the thoughts. There are no reasons to think so much about stuff when especially I am leading a good life.

Pointers are alive in this army. Pointers do not need to be there to make my army life special but indeed it could be something I can look out for when I'm in here. Of course my main goal in here is to love all and see the reality. That is just one hard thing to do in here especially when I am challenged but things are seemingly good. I am thinking in positive ways and I do forgive and embrace people. That is just one true and real thing.I live in my faith. That is what matters.

Well, maybe I could try improving my football stuff and read lots of books, indulge myself into well somewhat of football related or academics like politics and economics. Also, I could look out for my holidays that are soon to be coming and to study something that I could look out to get my certificate.

Well, I have something to ponder about I guess. Like making differences every single day. But afterall, being alive and delightful are what matters.

Thank you Lord for being with me here today and

Amen.

Dawns in Daegu - D-472

It is another day here in the camp of a soldier who came all his way from his backgrounds in the Southern East Asia. This background he has from all these stories from life in SEA, made his army life to be hmm I can say has more positive things than the negative. Actually, it is based on the person to feel if things are even positive or negative. I guess I took the positive way.

Three days have been passed since Wednesday, when I wrote the last diary of my dawns in Daegu. Well, holidays began as with the start of Lunar New year here in Korea and we took break from Friday to next Monday. And right now, I am pretty much hmm not really excited but have this a little bit of high thoughts of going back home for three days to utilize my holidays given for my great writing. It was unexpected to be used at this moment. I wanted to save it for the moment when I was to watch the U-20 Korea Worldcup so I could watch Lee Seungwoo and like have great memories about Football.

However, this idea was harshly rejected by the Company Commander for he thinks that this is just for my own pleasure sake. I was down by what he said but did not bother going to complain to higher boss as I did not want to go against him. I did not want to avoid the rules.

Well, that is just one part of thought that I have in my mind. Other than that, hmm not much of fear or confusion but I may not be having such a wonderful social time in here but all I know is that I am doing well. I love my mates, although it is hard purely loving him or seeing him but I am trying to accept him and see the real. Although there clearly needs to be more clearness. Also, I've learned to deal with things and endure. I am going to do the right things that I've got to do when I am challenged. Because, that is the exact right thing to do.

Like how I always remind myself, being an upper rank position does not just mean I can order people but it means that I've go to embrace more people around me. The juniors, mates and the seniors. I've got to embrace the all the different personalities more and more. That is what it means to be grown seniors. I do not have to be stressed up about these things because I am doing the right thing and I know that there are rainy days while there are also a lot of sunny days. I am living the simple life. I am thankful for things that are happening around me. I am thankful for people who care about me, talk to me, sitting beside me and sharing things with me. I am thankful for life that is happening in here. I've got to keep myself strong once again. Just imagine how all these would look like when I look back to the army days later on after my service ends. That is where I point to. Look at the big picture and learn and embrace them.

Cheers to myself who would have grown up so much and become much more stronger in everydays to come for who I am being like.

Thank you Lord for this blessed day and

Amen.

Dawns in Daegu - D-475

Here is another day here in the camp.

I just came back from football we played at the Big Playground where our supreme commander lands his helicopter. We had to wait till the helicopter would land on the field as we couldn't interrupt our supreme commander at any cause.

It was about 2hours and 30minutes of process to get people to come out and play. I printed out the list outside the admin room and let people tick on their names if they wanted to play today. I was quite thirsty for some 11-aside football. It was pretty much different from those 5aside or 6aside futsal where the tension is different. We gathered about 20people just from our troops. It was record breaking number. We got out and saw all the fields were occupied except for this big Playground. We called the Terrain Analysis team who were on the same floor as us. So, we played 11-aside match against them. I was pretty much excited. I loved playing in that position. Full Back. It was amazing but you know, there are some misses here and there for my touches. I couldn't have that great first touch neither did I have the composure or the vision to give my passes to. It was a hard game for me such that I couldn't get trust from my teammates at the right flank. I was open wide. But anyways thats not  the point of this game. The point for me to grow in this game is that I start seeing things more positively. I've got to stop judging others' greatness to just a luck but start appreciating them and making it happen to me with less thoughts and more actions. I got to stop thinking and thank people around me.

Well, that was for the football part today and you know about my colleague and stuff I am not sure how this is going, as his pattern with me is always the same all day. It is pretty much not favoured. But, if I think in a way that he has no harm. He is my friend. I guess things might be thought in a slightly different way. Well, that could be one approach. After all, if I learn to cowork with him and be with him, that is the greatest thing I can achieve in here.

Yeah and I do not mind about social stuff anymore I mean I hope not to. As long as I am sticking to my faith that's all that I need.

Love myself and Love Lord thank you for this wonderful great day.

Amen.

Dawns in Daegu - D-476

Another night waiting to see its dawn in Daegu is here today.

I am spending the last two hours of my D-476 here in the cyber lunge jotting down the story of my day.

Well, I could say I kind of waited for this moment. There are few reasons. Although writing diary is not my favourite pastime when I am here at the cyber lounge as there are more major things to do like reading facebook messages and reading all the football articles, but today I came off to write my diary before anything. This roots from my thought that even when I am reading articles or chatting with friends on facebook, I wouldn't feel so good. Well that too, stems from the day I had today. What a day today.

Well, it was a normal day where I report to office and all but just from what I could remember are the moments when I was at the CASIC doing my duty for two hours, something that I did not expect arose. It was about 11:30, so my duty was about to be over. With half an hour down to my lunch hours, Sergeant major Kim Keunwoo came to check the list that I need to hold on to when I am on the duty. As soon as he read the list he started shouting and screaming that all people at the bunker could hear us. People came to watch us. I was scolded for not keeping proper record of those who entered. He was shouting and screaming telling me to go and get the profile of those people who just left. He was screaming all along. I didn't know what to do. I first called my office. Lieutenant-colonel Kang answered the phone. As he answered, I asked him for number that could direct me to that spot's number. How lucky I was. He was so nice guy to tell me all these. You know, working with him in the same office makes me to respect and admire him. That sometimes when I speak a word with my fellow mates, I do think of him before talking.

I first called the main entrance and the north entrance and they couldn't know about the profile of those people who entered. Luckily, when I called the main entrance, the soldier there told me that I could try calling the North Service Center to check out their profile and how lucky am I that I was able to find out their profile. As the Sergeant Major hung up the phone, he grunted for a while and left for lunch break. I was so lucky as I'd thought I might get punishment or what. I recently wrote statements for not calling the office back when I was getting back from my outing with Jaeyeon, thus I was kind of in a mood that I am not being resilinet these days but you know what's the best thing I learned from today. One thing is that when I was being scolded, I didn't grumble about him scolding me but more about me learning from the mistake. I was also scolded this morning when I reported for office cleaning about some security stuff. It concerns me more about me learning from those mistakes not about being furious about the person who scolded me. Yeah, I guess that attitude to be able to stay calm and keep myself upright through the day is the one very important thing I learned about myself today. I've become much stronger. I have changed my attitude. I am being learning not grumbling. That is a very good sign.

Well, other things don't actually matter a lot to me as long as I stay right. Right to my belief. That's all that matters. I thank God for another big lesson today and always will be learning. Hope there are times that I am happy with my lessons so I can be satisfied at times too.

Thank Lord for another day.

Amen

Dawns in Daegu - D-478

It's another night of Daegu, a snowy Daegu in here today.

Today was hmm a very fast day that I couldn't even keep track of my time.

Started with an alarm ring at 7:00 that woke all of us with the admin room's Corporal Son saying we got to come out with tools to clear the snow as there had been plenty of snow on the ground through the night.

I wasn't very on the mood as I woke up in the morning. That is probably due to me having hmm some what of not a very good conversation with Corporal Son I guess. I was at the admin room as he was on duty yesterday. I was with my mate Park Woo Young and we were watching the Liverpool match. It was crazy game with Swansea finishing with 3-2 win. However, it wasn't the match that got us exciting but more like I wasn't very on the mood. I couldn't even focus on the game. It has been few days of me and corporal Son hmm somewhat of not having a very good conversation. I can say the fault is more on me. You know, I do have that habit of laying down myself when I am talking to someone who are super comfortable. They are people like him and mom. Yeah.

So during the past few days, I was leading this kind of sulky conversation where he could have found it little bit disturbing. I can see that it is on me as I know mom behaves disturbed when I behave that way with my sister. That was when I realized, I came here to change the bad habits I had. Things are positive. Things are clearly positive that I have this clear goal and mindset to learn and change. Firstly, it was when I seemed to get somewhat of unfair judgments where I don't bring the level of tension to next level. They are one skill I learn from being able to manage to be with people.

Thus, the main point is that although I wasn't very happy about how things ended yesterday that I behaved such a way screwed up things and felt bad he felt bad and we couldn't watch game of football through the night and had to get back to the bunk and sleep but I am happy after few thoughts today that I've learned from this. I am even learning to deal with those people from my platoon and why not him, who even likes me. It's not about us going to the skiing resort in February, it's not about my reputation here in the camp but it's about my personality that decides the rest of my life that matters.

That's why I thank God for this lesson that he gave me today. Although things can be pretty tricky for a little while with him but I can surely learn the way to not be disturbing. I can deal it on my own. I thank God for this precious lesson he taught me today. They are so much worthy.

I thank God for the day he gave me full of blessings and lessons and will head back to sleep for my night duty being the Head of duty for the first time. I've had this thoughts of me being the Head for long time. I knew that would be far but I knew the time would come one day. I remember my first duty with Sergeant Won. I was blessed to have him and when I saw him after that day, I was so pleased. I wanted to say hi and be good friends. I want to think of those great Heads that I met so far. I want to be a comfortable and friendly head as much as possible.

I thank Lord for another day today and love you Lord.

Amen.

Dawns in Daegu - D-480

It's another night here in the camp.

Everyday, all different feelings, all mixed up and they are all not new yet are all in different feelings.

Today was just another different day.

It was one moment as I was walking up the staircase after calling mom and dad and heading back to the bunk. I thought to myself that this happiness that I enjoy from all these happy moments with my bunkmates and other mates in here might not last all day. That was just one thought that past flew me. I knew myself that this won't be life of me forever but I knew that I can stay strong and I can get happy times and bad times and all.

Maybe, no I don't think is because of such thoughts that made me to feel down or a little bit away from the past few days' myself but you see it's not important always of how am I being shown. It is the inner heart that matters all the time. The heart that I actually love people around me, the heart that I am actually trying to see it clear-mind without any blurness to judge anybody wrongly.

That is how things got to work. And you see, I was very tired these few days tired of even talking or whatever so, I guess it's best to relax and enjoy not being competitive. After all, companionship is not about competition but about pure love.

I guess that's the kind of thinking I can bear in mind for today.

I've got to love them all and that's what matters the most today.

Thanks for another day today. And

Amen.

Dawns in Daegu - D-481

Here's another night here in the camp.

Days are passing and time still lies on the 480th mile.

Time does not matter how far they are left as long as I am learning in here on how to be with people enjoy with people and love the people.

Things can be tough when I am not with someone who would suit me the most. But there isn't any others in this world who would suit anybody. People are all of different personalities and we all got to learn to adopt ourselves within the environment.

As I strive on with positive mindset to love and to forgive, I am sure this would bring me to somewhere far.

I hope I can see things with clear mind and I am glad things are beginning to clear out.

Played another crazily fun 8-aside football today and it was crazily amazing.

Played in my role as Right Back again and performed some great decent clears and tackles although I still need to work on my quick feet and situational awareness.

I was glad that I could play "with people".

Another day is passing and I don't fear learning.

Thank for this day and please Lord do come and care for those who are lonely.

Amen.

Dawns in Daegu - D-482

Hi. Another day in here.

Down to just about 18minutes before the platoon cleaning assembly and I am here at the cyber lounge typing out the story of my 18th January 2017, which would never happen again.

Yesterday, I was running out of time to type out a diary as I was rushing for the music show hosted at the Susung Artpia. I only remember that I had great time chatting with my junior Hyunwook during the journey. We talked about a lot of stuff and also although I slept for the first part of the show I had a great time.

I love those times where I get lonely I mean I have to be alone and have that moment to take a break and think. I remember it was in the year of 2014 when I had watched this musical hosted at my hometown. I was not in a very good condition as I had just got dumped out of school and came back to my hometown with dead face.

As I was watching that musical then, I remembered my memories when I was a performer. The times when I performed musical as a team. That passion and the memories. As the lights came through it made me cry then.

Yesterday, as the show was going on, looking at how Hyunwook was closing his eyes and feeling the show, that was when I realized I had such time like him before. I used to see and feel emotionally. Maybe I guess I am too overwhelmed by the atmosphere here to actually think about such. Although it could be because I wasn't watching a musical but I can't guarantee what could have happened even if I was watching one.

And the next day which is today is the day where I get the result of my application for Arc Troop. Arc troop is based in UAE so I get to be dispatched to UAE and serve Korean army in there for about 8months. It surely would be a great experience, so therefore I registered. After hours of clicking and refreshing, I saw the result came out at the Korean Army homepage. Unlike those other times where I would get my O-level results and all, I wasn't nervous. There was just so much to learn from my experience in here in Korean army. So was I not nervous. I saw the results clicked and realized my name wasn't there. I wasn't selected not even for reserves.

It wasn't tough accepting the truth. There was just so much for me to gain from me staying here and serving and they are not about me getting stuff but they are more like life skills that I really need to get through in my life. I am learning to deal with people. And I have goals that I really want to achieve during this 21months period. I am glad I am given such opportunity in here.

I love myself for accepting challenges that's to come. I do not mind what challenges come through because they have to come. I accept it take it and adopt it.

I am happy to be learning things that I wasn't used to.

Also played 8-aside football at the field today, although I am not totally satisfied with my play today I can say I had such a great time.

Thank Lord for the day given today and I am going to keep learning.

Thank Lord and Amen.

Dawns in Daegu - D-484

Here I am again at the cyber lounge typing my diary of the day.

What a day it was. I put a meaning in such that I tried. In a way that I tried not to procrastinate and also to change my perspectives.

Yesterday at 01:00, corporal Son who was on the Admin room duty woke me up to watch football together. I brought my snacks and coffee to the admin room. It was nice and worthy. It is always enjoyable chatting with him.

Watched the match between Manu and Liverpool and had chats with snacks along the way. When it was half time period, we turned the channel to the movie channels and there was 50 shades of Grey on show, so we overlooked whether the officer was sleeping or not and watched in deep breath.

It was overwhelming. It showed full body of Annastacia Steele. Wow. Anyways, it didn't really matter.

What happened was when I got back to the bunk to fall asleep, I woke up again at 5am realizing that something was wrong. I badly wanted to vomit. I rushed to the toilet realizing this can't go pass just because I was lazy to do so. I got to the toilet, vomitted without wasting time and spend about 30minutes in there shitting and vomitting. I guess its all the chips I ate at the admin room while I was watching the 50 shades.

Woke up for assembly and you know tried to keep that in mind that I, am willing to forgive and forget the past. I am willing to go on. It wasn't that hard. Things went easy. It was only when we reported for work at the afternoon that things started to be challenging. I was given tasks and I couldn't do it properly. It was the same things I happened to be clumsy at. It was using knife to cut papers without single stains. It was difficult. He began mocking like he used to do. It was pretty much insulting and annoying if I feel. However, I just had this in mind that I am making it happen. I remembered that phrase that I am going to make it happen. I am not just going to get angry and all and be fussed up and repeat all over and over again all the time. I decided to think slightly in a different way. I thought that whatever mocks he was doing, as long as I could learn from him and knew that he was better than me in this way, I got to admit it and learn. As long as I can learn every small things I am improving as a person. He told me that the way I was holding the knife was wrong.

That was when I came up with some of the lessons.

Lesson number one, always try to learn if it does improve me no matter what.

Lesson number two, as long as he makes me to think and learn, that is a better senior than whoever makes me feel more comfortable, for I learn out of my uncomfort.

Lesson number three, seek and do things that I got to do. Likewise for today, I realized I didn't know very well about printers. I asked for his help and he was willing to tell me. As long as I learn and improve those are what matter. As long as I am opened up to more opportunities and more chances that does mean I have more chance to improve and do better. These are some of the things that I can deal with my own calculation I have for fairness.

Got back to the bunk and you know of course, after all those my deep in heart may not feel as good as times where I would be happy and high. It will be different. However, it is on my own hand to deal with it seperately. After all, I am learning. I am keep going to learn. I am not afraid of what's to come. I will learn and improve anyway.

I hope I can love him more i mean them more and see things clearly. Love myself for being who am I and hope I can love more people purely. Thank Lord and

Amen.

Dawns in Daegu - D-485

Its another night here in the camp.

Had another day of a weekend, did runs in the morning for assembly, sent my mates at bunk no.4 for their monthly outing.

Was left in the bunk had our breakfast went to church after a deep sleep and got back to watch the movie called Warm Bodies. It's the movie that I watched back in my days in Singapore. Was impressed by the game show hosted by Daejungryong who played game that was made with intention to copy the Warm Bodies. It was pretty much touching. As watching this movie after years time, it was indeed great.

Got out to play futsal got back and had dinner with Corporal Son.

Had a good shower everything was perfect on swee and now I am waiting for my duty at 20:00 with corporal Kim Hyungjoon.

It will be a swee day with my duty ending and going for a sleep which I will be awake at 00:50 to watch a football match at the admin room with Corporal Son. This is one thing great about having a mate who is on the Admin room duty. I can watch football with him all day.

And more than anything, it is always important to remind myself to love and forgive. To embrace more people. With hatred and anger human can never go on.

Thanks for living another day and Love myself.

Amen.

Dawns in Daegu - D-486

What a great news it is.

Writing out the title and realized I am left with 486 days not 487 like how I assumed. It always feels better to realize I've left less than I had assumed than to realize I have left far more than I am left with.

However though, these 637 days may not be just one wasting 21months of my life. You see, like what Sean told me earlier today through facebook, life doesn't happen twice. It only happens now and now is the only best time to actually grab it. If I want something I better be ready for what's to come soon. To be perfectly ready for the very moment. I got to be that person man.

I am getting better. Realizing I was talking and laughing with him, was great joy. It made me able to communicate better. It made me smile and laugh and see things more vivid. Indeed this is how I should deal with life. That was so much better.

Yesterday could have been a little bit shameful. In a way that you know, I wasn't favored and was envious of kind. The fact that me being jealous is the shameful part.

Yeah that was some day you know I had a few lessons on my own. Like I need to start forgetting about other's mistakes. What happened are past and I need to forgive. People can't always live under deep anger and hatred. That's lesson one for yesterday.

Today hmm can't say that things were All good but of course much better not in a way that I communicated better but in a way that I tried. Like for real.

That was truly amazing. Remember that moments and keep it that way all the time man.

Hope I can keep learning and still don't give up. Because that's something not all people do.

Special about me.

Thanks for today.

Amen.

Dawns in Daegu - D-488

Here comes another night here in the army.

Days pass and days pass of me writing my story of diary in here but yet, maybe I haven't learned it to my heart to actually get it done. Maybe it would take some time yeah. I know I am going to make it happen I trust in myself and I am going to make it happen.

It's not about writing what happened today and writing out what I should have done and all but generally it wasn't such hopeful one. Like I mean it is hard dealing with him in the office. Sometimes he would just stare me in to face or he would comment or sigh about things which I do not know what's going wrong. Those moments make me think and make me uncomfortable. Plus, when he orders me to do something I really don't like it with memories of him making me do all the rubbish disposition the other time.

You see things can't always remain back due to hatred and jealousy. We've all got to move on. Of course, with some lessons. I learned from those moments that I clearly got to speak out for myself when there is a need to. Also, I learned to be stronger and learned to deal with different people. Although it is still a going on process. There are lessons and I am sure after all I will learn something.

There are times where I enjoy and be purely happy. But there are times when I am uncomfortable too.

Overall, for my behaviors today I am not very happy. I mean but don't get yourself to be the fault of all. But as a  person who is a learner, I should take better approach. I can't always think of yesterday. There has to be a today. And tomorrow.

It's the hardest lesson of my life to actually get used to it: to love all.

I love myself after all, for sitting here with heavy heart, trying and trying.

After all, I am a person who never gives up.

I am proud of that.

Hope there would be better news tomorrow.

Love you and Good night.

Dawns in Daegu - D-489

What a day .. yeah.

Been a long day today..

Woke up in the morning heading to the morning assembly... Got to the office cleaning my office. It was so cold out there. Came back and had breakfast.

Actually, I don't remember much details about my days today because I am bothered right now.

Had gone outfield for mountain hiking and it wasn't a good one. Wouldn't be remembered as a good memory but you see, have NO FEAR man. You got to be stronger. Don't lay yourself down just because of those. I had my lesson yesterday to be able to embrace more people. It is hard man. like for real. Laid down on my bed after that hike and closed my eyes dipping into thoughts. Dipping myself into thoughts trying to calm myself down.. Trying to play my game. Trying to find ways to cool myself. Just closing my eyes.. thinking about what had happened and talking to myself.. relaxing myself... and even in all those while.. had to talk .. had to give reactions to not lose in this so called "competition". 

You know what. Just getting straight to the point. I had those people out there like Song ui young. He was somewhat of same kind as him. Not knowing his fault. Being rude. Treating people on his own way. Making all things that happen around as if he was the one doing the correct things. Making himself looking good and all. You see, it's not like those people are the wrong ones to be considered in this society. There are lots of people who are like that and in order to live this life, I need to learn to adopt myself to learn to deal with such people. 

First lesson over all, don't do acts that I will be embarrassed in front of other people. Get that straight. It doesn't mean that I have to be presentable all the time but well Im not sure if it is the correct lesson to adhere to but I guess there are something onto it. Not sure is this the right thing to do, as there could be people who I might feel more comfortable like Son but people who I may not want to show my shortcomings like oh. But you see after all, you got to deal with those people. I am actually thankful to Lord that I am always given the opportunity to learn to deal. Army is not the end of my life. This is where I came to learn to deal with people. I am going to learn to live together with people that's my fate. I am not going to try to change others but I am going to make things evolve around me such that things go smooth and can co-exist. I am going to make that happen not just in the army but even after May 15th of 2018. 

Just making things straight to the point, me going there ignoring him or showing my grunts will never happen again. I am going to learn to deal with him so I am going to be stronger and going to learn. I am not weak. Just make sure you treat him right with manners as a senior no matter how he treats me as the junior. 

That was such relieving and painkilling words.

I am making it.

I am making it happen.

Thanks for living today dear me. 

Love myself. 

Amen.

Dawns in Daegu - D-490

It is another night of my army life here in Daegu...

Today is the day that makes me dip into some thoughts.

Well, it is mostly self reflection kind, in regards to my current status and several other things.

Today as I was at the bunk, I heard from Seunghoon that corporal Kwangho was fired from his office and have been shifted to military canteen worker. It was due to him skipping office during the night/day shift period. I writing this is not to point his fault but trying to understand in point of him.

I felt down when I had relationship failure or maybe I can try to call it hmm sort of bad days. When I get bad days, I feel down. When I feel down, I don't feel passionate. All the passions I had as a private who just got his vocation as English Translator just melts down. It was when I had bad days with my office senior Oh and Yoon, it was when I heard that word with hatred from fcl Yoon, when I was scolded for not playing football well from fcl Oh, from Kim Jin Gak for asking questions and etc. It was those moments that made me down. All these summed up to make the impassionate me.

Maybe, it would have been the case for Kwangho too...

Maybe him as a private would have been different too. It could be those irresponsible comments and ignorance that made who he stands as now.

Seeing all these firing issues there is no guarantee that I have a safe spot at my office either.

I do miss those days where there were bunk no.7. Although i was scolded for watching TV and all, but I felt loved. There were Sergeants who would treat with love. I miss those times where I was a private and could just rely on. Not relying on myself independently. We all grow with respect to our status and time. It is correct that I behave like my status, FCL.

Not so senior but not a private after all. First Class Private. Had enough time knowing about the rules and whatabouts and whereabouts. Knows how to deal with the issues on his own. That is first class private.

Just seeing how sophisticated things are these days for me, I reckon myself... And even envying him too. Which is really unnecessary after all.

What I just know is that I've got to have stronger mentality that I wouldn't be bothered. After all, those people who gave comments do not remember or care. Get a stronger mentality to forget about their sins. God will handle that.

And just like how I am doing these days, I behave more upright with less shortcomings. Well hmm... I don't know... like I said, it was fun when I was a private getting the love of the seniors.

But at the same time I do not want to get hurt again. It was the same issue when I was outside too.

But just remember, acting like a grown man or behaving like my own status is not about how much I veil my shortcomings but it is about being able to embrace more people after all. Learning to embrace more people that I would see. Be it my mates, seniors or juniors. That is about growing up I guess.

Hope I learn again today.

Thanks for such a beautiful diary with great reflections.

Thanks for being here my diary. I hope myself in years time reading this note would smile having been a grown man with stronger mentality.

Love yourself and the others.

Amen.

Dawns in Daegu - D-491

Its the night of the last weekends I was having this week.

There was one day extension of holiday till today as there was night/day shift training the week before.

Woke up in the morning same like yesterday at 7:19am. It was so hard waking up. As I was peeing at the toilet before heading for the morning assembly, I could feel how cold the weather was. It was freezing. On top of that, I could not do runs in the morning as I was injured from futsal the day before. I was a bit wary of how the seniors would think about me but I had no choice but to skip.

Got back to the bunk, ate short breakfast and fell asleep. Waking up at around 12pm. Woke up to realize my bunk mate Yoon was chasing people to go for lunch. He was pretty hungry as he did not get his breakfast. We had our lunch which was pretty terrible, got back to bunk and hit a movie called 'Sing Street'. 

It was a movie about Irish teenagers making a band and getting a girl. I was watching this movie with Sandle and Hyun-joon and this movie was amazing. When I say a movie was amazing it means that it did have impact on my life. It did make me think further after on. It did not have to be me specifically forming a band and singing like the actor but I thought about my life. And how many things that I haven't done in my life. There were just so many that I haven't done and wanted to do. Those were what I couldn't do when I get even older. I would regret not having done anything more memorable. 

After the movie, Yang, jahyun and I went to the mart bought some snacks and dropped by at the clinics as Jahyun and I registered for hospital bus tomorrow. I was hesitant to go for hospital as I only left with like about 8days before the release of my dispatch troop result for UAE. Hyun Joon and I took a seat in front of a futsal court and talked about stuff. About relationship and all and also mainly about the reinforcement troop to overseas. He told me that he heard from his platoon senior that three out of five people who applied from our camp was selected. I was wondering as the department had not even started to look through our papers. The review was to start from 12nd.

We got back to the bunk and I had a brief nap before Seunghoon came to our bunk. 

Bunk was pretty empty as Yohan was reading books in the seminar room, Jihoon was at the cyber lounge, Daeeun was at the office and Jaemin was out for his leave.

Had good chats and laughter.

Dropped by for dinner and managed to spend the time away. 

I was still awkward at the platoon meeting after those quarrels. Not with corporal Yoon but more like trivial matters with my senior Oh. He was the one to speak those words and he was the one who made the surroundings tense. I did not like it. That's why I wasn't so favorable of him although I wouldn't go against him for he was my senior. I wouldn't know how long this would go for. I mean he is the one I would see most of the times from now on as he works at the same office as I do and in this camp the only person that works with me is him. It is a little bit of sophisticated issue in here but well, I got to find a way out in here. I mean I know that I can't be so friendly towards him as I had those histories. Well, I guess if I reach a state where I am just fine with him would be just as good. Where I have no hatred but just you know not over that line. Not like before. 

It will be a lot of thinking from now on but remember those days man. Those days. I am doing much better and there is really important thing that I need to learn from my service period in here, which is to see the reality. And love the reality. Thanks for carrying on today and hope you love yourself more than you did today.

Thank you and fighting!

Dawns in Daegu - D-492

It is another weekend night here in the cyber lounge.

Cyber lounge became all for free starting today. That has nearly no effect to the people who usually visited here as the price was already so cheap like, 20cents per hour.

Today began at 7:19 which was just one minute before the gather. I was so tired as I had not an enough sleep the last night. Listened to music and radio until it was 12:30 in the midnight. Listening to the radio of Jang Ye won made me nostalgic of those days when I was in my JC. After an exhausting day in school, would come back home waiting for the next day to arrive at 12 in the midnight. Would turn on a radio of Jang that I downloaded, listen to them and fall for sleep. Wake up in the morning turn off the radio and turn off the computer, would sluggishly go for bathe and have a cheap breakfast with bread. That was more or less my routine back on those days.

Those classic music that they played made me nostalgic.

Waking up in the morning, I didn't feel like having a breakfast but to lie down on my bed lazily. I fell asleep, went to church and had some good time chatting with corporal Yoon. After I was back, corporal Yoon came to my bunk to ask me if I would want to go for a walk. It was a little bit gay but I knew we were on the path of patching back together as friends so I accepted it. I had nothing better to do either before I played futsal at 4pm.

We walked up the mountain and saw the whole sight of Daegu. It was amazing. I could see the whole view of Daegu and even saw a plane departing. Had chats about his relationship issues and stuff and got back to play futsal,

Had a slight injury from futsal today but it will soon be okay as it is normal injuries.

Gotta rush up for duty meeting at 20:00.

Please do have a great day and never forget my goals. Love myself.

Cheers

Dawns in Daegu - D-493

It is one Saturday night of January.

Today is the day that I was a little bit of shaky and also little bit of guilty.

Friday was the last day of our day&night shift training. Got back to the camp after my midnight duty with fcl Joo at 4am. I was a little bit worried how the two hours duty would go like with him but spending with him was pretty nice. We shared some true thoughts and had good laugh about some of the moments. After 4am was about watching the Drama Miseng, eating cupnoodles and falling asleep.

It was 7am when I got up shaky. Wasn't aware of surroundings but all I can remember is that Jihoon came to wake me up and I took my cups back to my bunk. Was super sleepy but was still aware how happy he was and made me little bit unhappy. It was unnecessary really. Had a short assembly and people all gathered outside the admin room watching some video that our platoon leader presented as I was lazily peeing at the toilet.

Sergeant Lee told me to play futsal but it was rejected by our leader. We postponed it to 16:00. I headed back to sleep afterwards. It was 12:00 that they woke us up for lunch. Yeah although I was going so crazy because of that ring, it was quite necessary to make that call as I had some good sleep and I will indeed feel sleepy later at night.

Had military burger for lunch got back to bunk doing almost as nothing. My bunkmate Yoon came back so we headed to library together to borrow some books and also to see Jihoon who was on duty at the library. I felt comfortable sitting beside Jihoon and reading the Best Eleven magazine. So I let Yoon to leave for his work and I remained at the place reading with him. After Seunghoon came to take over the duty at 15:00, we headed to Jihoon's office. Jihoon showed me his work stuff and also showed me about the awards that he was making. He made an award for me which I was supposed to receive when I was out for holidays at the end of December.

Had a period of time and got back to the bunk to play futsal. My mate, Park from bunk 4, was trying to cheer me up when I did wrong passes as he saw what happened to me that day when I stopped going for futsal. He cheering us up inspired me. Rather than talking how tired I am and all, cheering people was much more helping and nice to hear and see. I hated myself during the game when I was so out of control in envying him. I prayed to God to stop me.. Heal me in my heart for my full of jealousy. Why was I doing that for Christ sake! Challenge is always a hard one and I hope to accomplish them. 

Got back to the bunk, bathed and ate my dinner and here I am at the cyber lounge typing the story of my day. There will be cleaning time and assembly and will be watching movies later on at night. That will be an end of the day.

How I'd wish God would come into my heart and work for me. Please Lord, make me the pure child of you. Wash all my sins Lord...

Thankful that I have this wonderful bunkmates to last my army life with. After all, my army life is not about excelling but enjoying and learning. That is what matters. Thanks for myself and Love myself. 

Amen.

Dawns in Daegu - D-495

Here we are, writing out my diary of the 5th of January.

After writing out a story of myself and reflecting how I was behaving towards my life and the surroundings hmm I don't think there was certain changes or specific differences my mind had from yesterday's me.

Got back to bunk after writing my diary out slept in a little bit of uncertainty. Woke up early to report for my duty. Had great time chatting during the duty with my senior Yoon Sung-hyun. He had a lot of information about things going around in here.

During those duties, we always get two people to go for duties and one is the senior and the other is always the junior. As a first class private, I still get in as the junior for most of my duties. It was the first duty that I served with Sergeant Won Jongmin that I was so impressed and began to see what kind of senior server I wanted to be. Sergeant Won was full of information about the things going around and he did teach me in every details. I was so warmed by his gestures. Although it always remains as a huge memory for the juniors for they were usually impressed, the seniors often tend not to remember the juniors. Likewise for Sergeant Won, he did not remember me nor did we become a very good friends afterwards. However, after serving with many seniors I began to figure out what a senior server I wanted to be like. Of those I have served, I loved how I served with Corporal Son who was warming and comforting, I also liked serving with Sergeant Oh who was full of stories to tell throughout the 2 hours of duty, loved how Sergeant Ahn was smiling at my flatters and being cute, admired the knowledge that I was able to gain from Corporal Yoon and sergeant Won, and was inspired by First Class private Cho Gun-hee who gave the vibe that he was not so into those Military cultures of formality.

After the duty, I called my mom. It was really a short while talking to mom. My sister was changing her name so, she was asking for my opinion. I feel what my sister prefers the most is more important. But if she was going to get names like Taeyeon for 400 bucks I do not see the worth of paying them. However still, if her fortune may be believe to be better on those beliefs by changing her name, I hope she would do what it takes to change her name.

Got back to the bunk and my other bunk mates came back and were laughing at Jihoon's status. We all have this board in front our bunk doors where we place our current whereabouts. The administrator gave out this new stickers for us which showed our name, phone number and our hometown. Jihoon who bragged of being himself to be from Seoul, happend to be from Chuncheon. It was hillarious but you know, whenever he came along I just did not like how he was going to lead the situation and make jokes of how he wanted things to go like. It was his image that he wanted to make but I just did not like how obvious he was going to make his image to look like. But I understand that what I can grab the most out of this place is to get good friends, have great memories and time and serve with respect. However though this is the tricky part. It is like we are having like a common goal and I do not like it because he is getting more favor from my bunk mates. Well maybe this is why I tend to hate him but you see I can't live in competition for such all the while. When I am out there after army I will surely face all kinds of people who would have same goal or same characteristics as me and it is clear that I can't avoid all those people in my life. I need to learn to adopt them too. But changing my mind in whole course of it, why my goal got to be being liked by my bunk mates? Why can't I love them for who they are and do not think about how I am going to be loved and all. That is the main source of my happiness for sure but loving people is as important as being loved. And do not care about how he is getting along but just see him as one of my friends. This could be hard but you see... years later when I look back this would indeed seem like a trivial matter. Like just remember the case of me in class with Marcus. He, joining my football CCA and performing better and even heading to the A-div made me to hate him so much. However, just looking back now it is really nothing. I embrace him as my friend and he is a great friend. Looking back, it is nothing. I just wish if I could turn back in time, how I'd wish I would have just taken him as one of my friends. Maybe this is what I should do and behave. Learning from those past experiences, maybe I could change the way I look at things. Please Lord, I know it is about me and myself but help me to actually love him. Please Lord. Like just miraculously in one day I do not see how this would go right but I hope I do it right and make it right. I do not have to love him but at least please I hope to see without any blur sight. I want to see him clearly with my right eyes. Decide with my right mind...

Then our Logistics department headed to our offices. It was a busy morning learning how to print from Corporal Yoon and cleaning the office. All of the professional soldiers left for meeting and I was all alone in the office. Read my book a little while, and was thinking of spending my whole morning office hours in there until like 12am as i did not want a long intermission time with my bunk mates. I did not like those short term of period. For whatever reasons. Although Mr. Joo told me to head for lunch that I had to come back, we had our lunch of course, talking about Jihoon's forgery in his hometown. There was another training going on today so we gathered at the seminar room at 12:40. Our logistics department had our own seperate corner. We were on our own the five of us. As we were chatting I was so concerned about his presence. I did not like myself being that way. Getting back to our bunk, I changed my clothes and lied on the bed watching movies with Seunghoon. It was movie called Room 13, I just remember the female lead was long and pretty.

Woke up in the morning sluggishly realizing it was already 7:17. I could have been into trouble for waking up later than that as I had morning duty with Corporal Seungjoon at 8am. Changed up and reported for duty chatted with him for 2 hours and now I am here writing out my diary of the day. What a day it was and what a day it will be. I have long to go, and I am making up to that promise I made to myself. Really. I pray to God in hope.

Amen.

Dawns in Daegu - D-496

It's been the last three days of training week.

From the second of January onwards, our platoon began the day and night conversion season. This would maintain myself to be upright in times of emergency where we will have to work only at night. To prepare for such situation, we change our life cycle to night where we change our cycle by 12hours. Waking up at 18:30 and heading back to sleep at 10:00.

That explains why I was out of Internet for the past three days... and also explains my missing three days of diary in here. Monday was the first day so we weren't able to get great sleep during our proper sleep time. It was more like nap time where we just couldn't sleep for very long. Was watching tv with my bunk mates had great time enjoying ourselves although I was still caring about his presence. I do not know when it began and when it would end eventually. It was one point when I began to think he was performing my role or when I began to think he wanted to be outstanding that I began to get jealous of him. Was trying the past three months trying to control myself but like you see, it didn't really work out. A lot of things were done to stop myself, such as writing out diary and saying 'I would love all creatures from now' and making promises to myself to love him and love myself... Tried to but you know.. like always, I couldn't stop smiling in my inner heart when he was not around. I was much more comfortable when he wasn't around. I was able to be myself, enjoy and get comfortable with the others. No longer did I have to say so much words in order to get more attention than he did. I neither had to be uncomfortable lying back on my bed just listening to the jokes he was trying to make to my other bunk mates. It was pretty uncomfortable when everyone was laughing and I wasn't. 

I guess Monday was somewhat like that. He was out of the bunk for most of the time and I got myself a good enjoyable time with my bunk mates relaxing and watching movies and shows. How'd I wish I could stop the thinking about so many things... How'd I wish I could stop this but also be comfortable and enjoy myself. The good news is that I was able to start talking to corporal Yoon again after those seemingly endless quarrels. Although it still feels awkward talking to my direct senior and him, things got much better and thus my only duty is to do what I got to do. And keep my pledges to heart and behavior.

It was Tuesday morning when I felt really guilty and sad about myself. We were having a breakfast at canteen all together and like any other days 'he' was making comments trying to make himself who he wanted to look like. I was quite uncomfortable with that. Also, there was one thing he said that I couldn't agree. It was just differences in opinion but when I actually said it out, hmm it seemed to me that I was going against due to jealousy. It pretty much made me guilty although I was just raising a personal point. When we were back to our bunk and gathering people to play futsal, I was likewise asking all the others but him. I did not like getting link to him. He would make any things that come up in order to make himself look like how he wished to look like. And so he came out to play futsal too. As we were playing, I thought of our times when we were just privates. When we just got here, I thought we were going to be the best buddies in this camp. Although we were not cliquing so great but we seemed to go well along and looked cool on view. We played futsal so often and used to drop by at the P.X taking ice creams and drinks together. That was when I realized, he could have his personal target image that he would want to be and look like. Just like how I so wanted to be Yoo Jae-suk when I was seventeen. That was just when I realized I should not interrupt or care about what he wanted to be like.

We went back to our bunk, bathed and Tuesday morning past just like that. As we woke up, we went through our first winter training on field. And even at this point, I was relieved that I belonged to different group from him. That's all I cared about even in times of training. I did not like myself caring about such. I did not like myself caring so much about his presence. We got to the training field, built a tent and did other trainings.

Here in Korean army, I go through a lot of situation where others treat me coldly or with hatred. They have words that come with poison. It is indeed pretty difficult to accept all those rants all the time. However, maybe I should accept that they are my seniors. It's not like they could do that just because they are seniors but if that is the culture here I got to accept them and change it when I become the senior person. That's just how I got to live this army life. With myself behaving properly at the same time.

After training was a super good nap time where I did not go to my office to work but sleep at my bunk. It was so super tiring after the training that I had such good deep sleep right after I got back to the bunk after lunch at 01:00. And through all these moments I was still caring about his presence.

It is Wednesday morning 11:05 and I am here at the cyber lounge typing out my memories and diary of my past three days. Being here for 637 days and having myself to be with others for so long is not easy. It was expected even before I enlisted. Myself liking only the people I felt easy to hang out with was my habit even when I was out there. Always knew I wouldn't be given such time when I am out of college. Thus, it is great that I am now given the opportunity to be able to get along with people of different characteristics, especially the Koreans who I eventually belong to and also people who I find having same things in common.

Like I told myself on the new year's day, my goal for this year and for my army journey is to love all, see with clear eye and live up to my pledges. My habit would not fade away in just few months' trials. It will take lots of time. But what I got to remember is to keep this heart all along. I don't see how long it would take, but I know that this is something I need to achieve... Something that I would want to achieve for bonus in my life.

It feels pretty down whenever I tend to think such ways. Although I try to come with open heart and love him but it just makes me to forge out a false smile in doing so. Maybe in prayers and trials, I would be comfortable in here myself.

Be strong and be upright. Thanks and loving myself for the distance I covered this far.

With love..

Dawns in Daegu - D-499

It's already 23:34 here in the cyber lounge.

I just got back from this Opera show that the soldiers were given free tickets for entrance. I was a person who was fascinated by those high popular cultures and the media so I was not hesitant to participate this free opportunity. The only problem that I seemed to care was whether I had any bunk mate to enjoy this show. I luckily had bunch of five of us to join me for this Opera show. Show was slightly boring at first with its typical Korean customs but those eloquent singing voices awakened me during the show.

Yesterday, I went to the church at night for some new year services. I thought through about all the things that happened to me through the year. There were lots of memories that I was about to miss or forget. When we got back to the camp it was about 23:00. There was 50 shades of Grey on show in the TV so we all watched it grabbing junk food on our own.

It was when Grey was showing his playroom around to Ann that 2017 was counting down to 45 seconds. We turned our channel to KBS where we could see people hitting the huge bell. I was told from my sister to actually pray for my wishes when they hit the bell so I did it. Wouldn't tell what I had hoped for as it is always unlucky to spread my wishes but like usual it was about my army life and my family.

Morning came and I had to do my 06:00~08:00 guard duty. It was the same guy I partnered with the yesterday. We talked about girls and a lot of stuff, that made me shameful for being worried about not having anymore topics to talk about. Had my early breakfast and went to church. It was that period when I got back from eating breakfast to my bunk that my bunkmates were all watching this drama called "Sighting the Relationship". I had already watched this drama when I was in my second year of JC1 where I had lots of time doing nothing after breaking up with my ex-girlfriend. Thus, I was not so interested to view the drama with them but my inner heart was guilty to just fall asleep as I did not want to be left alone. I felt like I was left behind when I do not sit around with my bunk mates watching the same thing and making jokes around. I'm sure this is not healthy thinking but I couldn't help myself thinking that way. I decided to go for some decent nap before heading to church as I thought I should go on with what I really want to do.

However, I felt really bad for I.. you know .. seemed to care about his relationship who I seemed to have kind of rivalry which I believe I am the only one having such mindset. He came from the same BMT camp we came on the same day, he became the same platoon and bunk mate with me,, we had so much things in common that I did not want to fall behind him. So many things that we were in common that I did not want to lose out in any comparison. i do not know why but it was some point that I began to think he won over my friends and he was making comments that I should be making. I guess that was when I began to see him as a threat but friends. Well, this is one of my wishes. To love all. I hope to see things without any blurryness on my eyes which make me see people differently from who they actually are.

Went to church and I kept dozing off which made me realize I was reluctant to do anything. I should get more active like you know.. those days in Junior College where I used to hang around and play lots of football and all. But always remember, being who you are is the best. Trying to mimic others or trying to be someone will always never work out. That is lesson number one that I'd learnt here.

Got back to our camp, we watched 'We're the Millers' which I brought back to our camp illegally in my USB. I was so happy to see my best movie in my lifetime with them enjoyably. Although I had some regrets showing this movie at that time where I couldn't get much focus from my bunk mates, it was worthy.

We had our monthly flag raising ceremony preparation after on. It was really a short while with the Security Platoon's head. He did not seem to care much about it.

Got back and ate our dinner as we had to rush for Opera at 19:00.

I guess it was when I had gotten the opportunity to perform musical for my church at 2013 that made me fallen for those contemporary art shows. It was my first experience to get to see an Opera show. It was great having some great time chatting with my mates along the journey.

Night is up and dawn under the camp is about to be down. From tomorrow onwards there would be changes in our day and night where we change our schedule between the night and day. It will be another event that I would remember in years to come.

Thanks for me today and Good night.